Tuesday, May 13, 2008


There is so much change going on in my life, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Maybe it's not so much change as it is uncertainty, and with me being such a control freak, both are equally scary to me.

I just wish I knew what employment I am going to have come August. I've applied for the computer lab position at one elementary school, and the art position (what I really want) at another. If something else doesn't come up on the job line, I will be officially unemployed. I do still have to work, and the plan is for me to find something with less hours for about half my current salary. I'm worried that we won't be able to make it on that, since things suddenly have gotten more expensive. I don't want to jeopardize us with my not working. I really can only work full-time for one more year, because hopefully next fall I will be starting nursing school, and won't be able to work full-time for two years. I guess we have to rip the Band-Aid off sometime, but in a way, it would be nice to teach for one more year. I've considered staying at my school, but I can't do that and not be miserable. Sure, we are getting a new school next year, and will have less kids, but it's more the attitude than the number that is getting to me right now. If I could only just teach, and not have to worry about social skills and manners, it would be fine. Instead, I am forced to be all right with completely unacceptable behavior, and let those students who are behaving that way stay in my classroom and prevent others from learning. If I make it through the next 16 school days without appearing on the news, I will be lucky!

Other possibilities for me right now are substituting, teaching prenatal classes at the YMCA, or actually beginning to work as a childbirth educator. Substituting is the only thing I can really count on right now. It pays less than half of what I am currently making, and it will be difficult for me to continue to pay for (more expensive) childcare, but have less income. I guess I have the summer to sort that out; I don't want to start work before Zach goes back to school in the fall. Then, I'd have to find a different childcare arrangement for him.

Regardless of what happens, I have to clean out my classroom. I am putting that off as long as possible, because there is just so much stuff. In a way, I'd like to just walk away and leave everything, but that is not fair to whoever is in that classroom next year. I don't want to end up with a garage or attic full of stuff, and I am not sure of the best way to get rid of it. There is some stuff that I am sure I could get money for, but is it really worth it to take pictures of it, list it online, then have to field e-mail questions about it? I hope they replace me with a first-year teacher who will be grateful to get everything that I have.

On another note, I am excited and nervous to be going back to school this summer. I am excited to have the opportunity to study something new, but worried about having the time to study. I found out this week that we are dissecting a cat, and that really scares me. What if I open it up, and it looks like my cat? I was the person in high school who chose to sit in the back of the room and do worksheets instead of dissecting the fetal pig. I know I have to get over my squeamishness if I am going to go into nursing, but it's hard.

Enough about me. The kids are doing great. Zachary is excited about finishing first grade, and being a Wolf Cub instead of a Tiger. We are planning to take the kids to Disney World next summer, and he is already asking me how much longer it will be. We are planning for him to go to VBS in June, then a week of Cub Scout camp with Mom, then a week of Science camp. We will probably go to Schlitterbahn for July 4th, then Mom will stay with us for a week. I am having sinus surgery July 9th (I am terrified!), and we have no plans for the rest of the summer. We'll get pool passes and make library visits. By then, I should be over my aversion to other people's children, and should be all right with having Zach's friends over to play. Right now, I spend every second with kids, and by the time I get home, I don't want to see anyone else's.

Zoe is eating like a little piggy. She loves baby food, and once she gets hungry, she can turn from happy to shrieking in about five seconds. It's not fun to deal with in the middle of the night. Speaking of nights, we get her to sleep sometime around 10:00, and put her down in her co-sleeper. Sometime between midnight and 2:00, she cries and we put her in our bed. She has to have a bottle sometime between 4:00 and 6:00, and if it is not a school night, she'll sleep until 9:00 sometimes. I know we are not supposed to feed her during the night, but when she is shrieking, turning purple, and the pacifier won't satisfy her, I think she is truly hungry. She'll eat and pass back out within ten minutes. Once school gets out, we'll have to get her trained to sleep in her own room. That's a battle I don't have the energy for at the moment.

I am going to San Antonio this weekend for my childbirth educator basic class. I am very excited about it, and have been trying to read my books this week. I don't get very far before someone needs something, though. I am nervous about driving to San Antonio by myself, and staying in a hotel room alone. I've never done that before! Heaven forbid I have to go out to eat alone Saturday night. I'll probably get take-out and a movie to watch on my laptop. I thought about taking some scrapbooking stuff, but that's too much to haul out.

I've written a novel here and not even talked about Mother's Day or Memorial Day! We had a nice quiet Mother's Day; Darren did laundry and i played on the computer and did some scrapbooking. Darren also cooked breakfast and dinner before we watched the Survivor finale. Memorial Day, we are headed to Louisiana for Darren's nephew's high school graduation. His niece is graduating the same day in Galveston, but we just can't make both ceremonies. Maybe if we didn't have two small kids...

Nighty night

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